Can O' Corn

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Can O' Corn

2/19/2004

For the 25th time in the past twenty-five years, I’ve thought about giving up baseball.  And, for the 25th time, I’ve decided to keep playing.  Again.  It’s really not that I enjoy playing baseball so much anymore.  There’s nothing more frustrating than dribbling one back to a thumber and having to dig toward first when you know you’re cooked.  I suck, more and more each year.  I thought I was a still is and now realize I’m a has been.  If anyone told me I'm a never was, I wouldn’t argue.

There are just too many reasons for playing again.  Mostly, it’s my teammates.  It’s about seeing Burnsy walking toward the park and instantly knowing that we have a real good chance to win that day.  It’s about Jake and his “break his heart send ‘em to the hotel” routine.  It’s about #18’s wit.  It’s about being thankful that Gatzke’s on the team and I won’t be the ugliest Saint.  It’s about Noonan dumping a bucket of ice water on Shithead’s head.  It’s about collecting one liners from Andy.  It’s about making fun of Sodegren.  It’s about Crash losing his Pumpsie Green baseball card and then finding it.  It’s about calling Kiddo to get directions to the field.  It’s about taking BP at Noonan’s barn and drinking beer and eating a big fat juicy steak and then tickling his sons.  It’s about watching little Pack and listening to all the goofy comments he makes.

Way, way too many reasons to keep playing.  Someone will have to kick me off the team to get rid of me.

The best thing of all is that all the memories of last year won’t be forgotten, but instead, replaced with this summer’s.  Here are some of my predictions for the summer of ’04.

-Burnsy will pitch two no-hitters but get credit for just one because Shithead pulled him out of the game in the sixth inning.

-Staller will get two hits to right field and make a decision to have just one girlfriend.

-Kiddo will get lost, just once, on his way to a field.

-#18 will get a new curfew, but still be out too late

-Lucky will get his first career homer, but it’ll be of the inside-the-park variety.

-Noonan will grow a beard after slumping at the plate, get hot, and then make everyone grow beards.

-Gatzke and Corny will get a date—not with each other—but with some real hotties.

-Hadler won’t be fishing during the playoffs this year, but instead, he’ll show up and play.

-Jay Wright, no longer the lovable Big Donkey, will wish he was on our team again.

-Sodegren will admit that he really does love Larry.

-Schmitty will leg out an infield double.

-Crash will unretire, get one last hit, and then retire again.

-Abercrombie, who’s now old enough to play any position, will be so dominating on the mound that Ron Cottone will insist that the league make a new rule prohibiting him from pitching.

-Eicher will break his bat while hitting a home run and then sprain his ankle jogging around the bases.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

-Andy’s wife will give him an ultimatum, “lose the beard or lose me.”  Andy will shave.

-Pack will make a perfect throw to Gatzke, the cutoff man, but Gatzke will drop the ball—allowing a run to score.

Sounds like a fun year, doesn’t it?

 

Can O' Corn

9/16/2003

2003 Top 10 Saints hits

10.  Todd Radam cranks out three homers in a scrimmage against J. Thomas Number 18 really got his season, and the Saints, going with his big day. Though Joe Perzel won’t recognize the three dingers in the records (because it was a scrimmage), they all count in my book. Does anyone know what happened to my book? I left it in the dugout after the last game…

9.  Larry Gessler returns from his Florida happy place. Kiddo returned to his wife and Minnesota in the spring with an injured shoulder and slowly worked his way back into the Saints lineup. His hot hitting streak at the end of the season and in the playoffs helped the Saints advance and had one teammate call coach Corny a “miracle worker.”

8.  Keith Jacobson, the Saints part-time cheerleader and full-time troublemaker, should have charged admission for his dugout banter. Jake helped keep things loose and fun with his “break his heart, send him to the hotel…” routine, and several of us nearly soiled ourselves because of it.

7.  Scott Gatzke, computer geek, puts together an impressive Saints website. As I looked through the player profiles and saw the pictures alongside the cartoon character of each player, I laughed harder and harder. Then, when I came upon John Abercrombie, as Foghorn Leghorn, I completely lost it. No offense, John, but it was REALLY funny! All the sound bites are great, too. I still can’t get the Roadrunner tune out of my head.

6.  Radam comes up with the best nickname of all—Big Donkey—for Jay Wright. “Just look at him” said Radam. The Big Donkey came up big in his first year with the Saints with many key hits and a slew of long doubles. Don’t moon us anymore, though Donk, Larry still has nightmares.

5.  Kevin Burns just keeps going and going and going…There’s absolutely no player more valuable than Burnsy, who I’m sure pitched over 100 innings this season and earned a majority of the Saints victories in the tough Classic League. His curveball so impressed a group of Winsted youngsters that they sought him out after the game to get pitching tips. I’d hate to think of the Saints without Burnsy, the Franchise.

4.  Jeff Schmidt leads off the Metrodome game against the Lakers with a booming triple to right centerfield. Schmitty later scores and the Saints upend the defending champs 2-1. The Laker monkey was finally off the Saints back. The Saints later defeat the Lakers again, 5-2, but fall to them in the playoffs.

3.  Joe Perzel whiffs 13 to lead the Saints over Richfield 3-0 to take the Federal League title. Perzel was fabulous that night. He was so hot that Noonan snuck up behind him afterwards and dumped a half a cooler of ice water over his head. The win was sweet—Richfield had beaten us three times in the regular season.

2.  Jeff Cook gets 50 at 50. All in the same summer, Crash turns 50 and bangs out 50 hits. Big deal? It should almost be added to the Bible, this miracle. Sure, this relic spent hours upon hours at the batting cage, but this is a guy that collected as many hits last season as Nancy Sinatra. Comeback Player of the Year wouldn’t be good enough for Crash. By the way, Crash, I’ve been living my life vicariously through you this summer—you’re Sam Malone, and I’m Cliff Clavin.

1.  Thanks everybody for an enjoyable and memorable summer of baseball! I really do hate you all, even though you’ve given me many great memories that will last forever.

 

Can O' Corn

9/10/2003

I nearly panicked last night when I heard that Jennifer Radam’s water had broken, even if I didn’t really know exactly what that meant. And why was it that I thought we should be boiling water, and that Eicher should start ripping his jersey in pieces? I surely know when it’s appropriate to give a hit and run sign, or who to bat in the leadoff position, so why don’t I know anything about a woman’s water breaking?

It happened last night, the water breaking stuff, late in the playoff game with the St. Paul Senators. The Saints had a comfortable lead, and with Dan Smith pitching like a madman, it was safe. I started to worry about Jennifer Radam. I couldn’t see her and heard someone say that she and her daughter, Sophie, were running. I wondered how much time they would have before the new baby came. Would Todd drive really fast? Would Jennifer drive because Todd was too nervous?

Everybody gave Mr. Radam their pre-baby congrats as he hurriedly packed up his baseball gear. Soon, very soon, it was business as usual. We had baseballs to hit and catch and throw and a ballgame to win. We had beer to drink afterward. There must be people at the hospital that would help the Radams bring their new baby into the world. Does anyone know if a bunch of females could continue playing if one of their teammates’ water had broken? I’d really like to know.

The final stats, for the record, was Saints 7, Senators 1. Our baseball season life would continue at least until Friday, and I was relieved that we weren’t the third shocking upset victim of the Senators, who won just one regular season game. I thought about the Radams as I drove home—it was much better than worrying about my car overheating, which I normally do.

I called the Saints secretary, John Noonan, early the next morning to get the baby news. Surprisingly, even John didn’t know, yet. Later, I read several emails that announced the good news: Grace Radam, born 9-10-2003, 9 lbs. 3 ounces. I’m very happy for you, Todd and Jennifer, and hope everything is great.

Can anyone fill me in on that water breaking stuff? Anyone?

Or, is it better than I don’t know?

 

Can O' Corn

9/4/2003

POP QUIZ—SAINTS BY THE NUMBERS

0

a.)    Times Big Dog Ruff doesn’t swing at the ball mightily, causing him to grunt.

b.)    The number of baseball fields in Minnesota that Kiddo doesn’t know how to get to.

c.)    The tolerance level Tim Hadler has for playing on shitty fields.

d.)    The average number of pitches Corny takes in an at-bat combined with the number of chest hairs he has.

e.)    This many Saints are tougher than Cuz.

 

1

a.)    Number of times Jerome Ivy has been on time for a game this season.

b.)    The distance, in feet, that Crash feels is a good secondary lead.

c.)    The number of times, including infield/outfield practice and playing in his backyard with his son, that Pack has hit his cutoff man this season.

d.)    Attempted steals against Abercrombie this season.

 

2

a.)    The time, in seconds, it takes Schmitty to go from first to third.

b.)    The average number of fans at a Saints game this summer.

c.)    Number of at-bats David Sodergren has this season.

d.)    Mike Eicher’s vertical jump, in inches.

e.)    Minutes it takes Noonan to leg out an infield hit.

 

50

a.)    Dates that Crash has had the past three months.

b.)    Candles on Crash’s last birthday cake.

c.)    How much Jeff Schmitt weighs.

d.)    The number of brothers Todd Radam has lost that way.

e.)    The wingspan, in feet, of Dan Smith.

 

1000

      a.)  The heart rate of Keith Jacobson during a game.

      b.)  Rounds of BP Donkey has taken in Noonan’s batting cage barn since January 1.

      c.)  Balls that Mike Staller has driven solidly foul.

      d.)  Times that Lucky could’ve pegged out the runner at first from right field if his first baseman was paying attention.

 

5000

       a.)  Hairs on Scott Gatzke’s back

       b.)  The number on the sunblock tube Joe uses to rubs his entire body with each morning.

       c.)  Jokes in Andy’s repertoire. 

       d.)  Number of pitches Burnsy thinks he can throw before getting tired.

 

Can O' Corn

8/21/2003

Richfield  040 000 0  4

Saints    300 000 0  3

 

First inning highlights: Lucky Lawrence and Scott Gatzke singled. Mike Eicher blasted a three run homer, his third wood homer of the season, over the fence, onto the road, into the woods and towards grandmothers house. He claimed he was winded after jogging around the bases. Kiddo retrieved the lopsided ball to the dugout. It had a big dent in it. It really did.

Second inning lowlights: Richfield scores four runs on a medium deep fly ball that dropped for a double, a bunt hit, a walk, a weak grounder, a bleeder to right and a line drive double to left. The ten hitter got that double to left on an 0-2 count. That’s no ball and two strikes. There were two out and runners on second and third, when Saints pitcher Dan Smith hung a slider. Dan knew he’d committed a cardinal mistake. At the time, though, I don’t think anyone figured we wouldn’t score another run.

That was it. Game over. The Saints did manage to collect ten hits in all, but a bunch of whiffs combined with a lack of clutch hitting kept them from getting another run.

Bits & Pieces

-Eicher wouldn’t touch the ball with his bat again after he connected in the first. The Richfield pitcher did throw him some nasty sliders, though.

-Smith hadn’t pitched in ten days. Before the game, the Richfield manager demanded to see Smith’s identification, claiming he’d never seen him before. I wonder why he failed to check Burnsy’s back pocket for a nail file and sand paper.

-The Saints nine game-winning streak was busted. They hadn’t lost since blowing a last inning lead to Richfield a few weeks ago.

-Highpants Tommy Tuttle once again played a stellar shortstop for Richfield. Does anyone else think that he looks strikingly similar to Jeff Cook? Except for the pants hike, they could be brothers.

-I read somewhere once that in the majority of baseball games, the winning team scores more runs in one inning than the losing team scores in the entire game.

 

Can O' Corn

8/19/2003

It was hot and sunny and dry.  Too dry.  You had to hide behind Eicher to get any shade at all.  So, nobody really moved very fast Sunday afternoon at the Lakeville desert that they called a baseball field. 

The quickest any Saint was that day was when Donkey blew out a bench clearing fart midway through the game.  By then, the Saints offense was well on its way to getting 11 runs. 

“What did you do now, Jay?,”  asked Donkey’s wife Terri from her lawn chair behind the bench.  Donkey’s little daughter Jamie giggled and then jumped up and down.  Todd Radam, back from a weeklong vacation, was one of the ones that bolted from the bench.  I’m sure he said something real funny, but I don’t recall what it was. 

Donkey found a way to make the other team move, too.  He blasted out four hits, two of them long doubles, to lead a Saints line drive barrage.  The Saints scored three runs in each of the first two innings, when line drives seemed as commonplace as milk and cereal.  It seemed as though everyone was hitting line drives.  Then Jeff Cook, who is approaching 50 hits on the summer, did something uncommon for him.  He struck out to end one rally. 

Crash, the closest thing to a living and breathing cliché possible, later redeemed himself with his thirty-fifth bloop single of the season. 

“Ah, c’mon, that shouldn’t count,” griped coach Corny when seeing Crash’s pop up drop.  “Hey Crash, why don’t you mix in a double or two?” 

Corny had earlier watched a very long, horrifying third inning, when his defense combined to blow three easy outs, allowing Lakeville its only four runs of the game.  During that painful inning, pitcher Jerome Ivy uncorked several pitches that had catcher Cuz diving and digging and running to the backstop. 

“It was just too damn hot,”  said Ivy, who conserved energy by not covering home plate a couple of times.  Ivy rested after his three frames but resurfaced later with a solid pinch hit single and a Willie Mays like circus catch in left field.  Darcy Ruff pitched two scoreless innings before John Noonan, who filled in as the spare umpire the first three innings, retired all six batters he faced to finish up. 

Cuz, normally and infielder who played catcher because no one else would, made a fantastic, lunging catch on a pop up that should’ve been as simple as tying his shoes. 

“I wanted to add some excitement to the game,” Cuz said.  “I was getting bored, and besides, I wanted to work on my diving catches.” 

After the game, Donkey invited everyone over to his house for beer.  Nobody said anything.  It was too hot, and Donkey might just have another bomb under his belt.

 

Can O' Corn

8/11/2003

 

John Noonan had a feeling about Sunday’s second game with Coon Rapids. The Saints had just defeated the Coons 4-3 on Scott Gatzke’s two-out eighth inning Lueder bleeder and ace Kevin Burns was warming up in the pen. 

“We’ll beat them bad in the second game,” Noonan said. “To lose that first game was tough for them. Just watch.” 

Noonan, who has made an okay living on forecasting the future, was right again. 

The Saints scored fire times in the first, and for the rest of the sunny afternoon, it seemed, their biggest problem was finding a comfortable place to sit. It didn’t hurt, either, that first string catcher John Abercrombie and long-baller Jay Wright decided to show up for the second game. 

“Thanks for noticing me,” Wright said. 

Wright’s 390-foot double to dead center got the Saints going. Andy Stavast delivered another big first inning hit when he lined a high fastball into left to drive in two more. That would be plenty of offense for Burnsie and his sharp breaking curveball. 

Burnsie whiffed 12 batters in his six-inning stint. He gave Coon Rapids a break in the seventh inning when he obeyed the coach and took a seat in the grass. With Burnsie striking out an average of two an inning, the Saints fielders had to make just one play each inning. Darcy Ruff, who collected six hits during the day, mopped up. 

“We could’ve had Dilbert at short and Sponge Bob Squarepants at second,” said Burnsie, who came through offensively with a pinch-hit two run chop single. “With all my strikeouts, all the boys had to do was toss the ball around the horn.” 

Second baseman Mike Staller, a dead ringer for Sponge Bob Squarepants, was targeted by wood bat specialist David Sodergren late in the game. 

“Look at his crotch,” Sodergren marveled. “Is he wearing two cups, or does he just have another ass up front.” 

Sodergren, only Sodergren, notices such things.

 

Notes:

Burnsie picked up both wins Sunday.  He relieved starter Joe Perzel in the seventh inning with the Saints leading 3-2. Coon Rapids tied the score off Burnsie, before the Saints won it in the eighth. Perzel impressed himself with his fastball velocity and the sharpness of his curveball…When Todd Cornelius joined the Saints three summers ago, he was given a jersey with “Lopez” on the back. The real Lopez showed up pitching for Coon Rapids Sunday. He surrendered a bases loaded two out single to the fake Lopez that tied the score at two…Corny called Noonan the “straw that stirs the Saints drink. Noonan laughed and said, how about “the crap that clogs the toilet…Jeff Cook went hitless in the first game before switching to lefty in the second. The lefty Cook got two hits…Perzel, maybe the most patient hitter around, walked four times…Larry Gessler, another patient Saint, caught Perzel in game one and stood at third base in game two. He also had a pair of line drive singles…

 

Can O' Corn

8/4/2003

Saints Send Lakers to the Hotel

It was an intense and emotional baseball game Sunday afternoon at Big Willow as the second place Lakers hosted the Saints.  An outsider might have trouble believing that a bunch of 35-and-over fellows are so serious about a child’s game.  A baseball fan, though, would have been pleasantly entertained.

The Lakers, a team that has won the league title the past two seasons, had lost their last two games.  The Saints, a team that had been a long-time whipping boy for the Lakers, were looking to beat the Lakers for the second time this season.  While two former Lakers had come over to the Saints this year, the Lakers big shot, Jim Wheeler, is an ex-Saint.

Wheeler, who homered for the Lakers lone run in the loss earlier against the Saints, was the starting pitcher for the Lakers.  His homer last year in the playoffs helped beat the Saints 3-2.  Dan Smith, a youngster whose Minneapolis Merchants team had recently lost in the playoffs, was given the ball for the Saints.

The Saints struck first with a run in the second inning.  Todd Radam led off with a long double into the left center gap.  Radam and his sore hamstring then departed for the skinny and fleet legs of Keith Jacobson.  John Abercrombie’s fly out to right sent Jake to third.  He then scored when former Laker Darcy Ruff hit a roller to first.  The Saints pushed across another run in the fourth inning when Todd Cornelius scored on John Noonan’s hot smash to first.  Cornelius had reached when his sacrifice bunt attempt was promptly hit right back to Wheeler, who threw to second and forced out Ruff.  Ruff slid hard into shortstop Matt Miller, who told Ruff to cut it out.  Miller soon got another owie when Smith plunked him in the arm with a fastball.

Smith continued to sail for the Saints.  He did have to work out of some jams, like when Lakers cleanup man Alan Arthur hit a line drive to right with runners on first and second and one out.  Arthur’s drive was speared by Jeff Schmidt, who then threw to second base to nab the overzealous runner and complete the double play.  The Lakers came even closer to scoring when, on a steal attempt of second base, Saint’s catcher John Abercrombie rifled the ball into center field.  Dave Packard’s attempt to get the runner at third found the chain link fence next to the dugout and the runner kept going.  Saints third baseman Scott Gatzke retrieved the ball and was shocked that the runner was trying to score.  Gatzke threw to Abercrombie, who tagged out the runner and held the ball even though the Laker runner gave him a forearm shiver.

The 2-0 slim Saints lead looked pretty fat going into the sixth inning.  Then, a walk and a homerun, and the scored was tied at two.  The Saints had blown an opportunity at a third run earlier when, with runners on first and third and one out, Radam’s chopper up the middle was turned into a double play.

Smith held the Lakers without another score in the sixth and then gave way to Kevin Burns.  Burnsy had throttled the Lakers in the big Dome win, and was ready to choke coach Corny if he had to sit in the dugout any longer.

“My arm was getting sore because I haven’t pitched enough,”  said Burnsy, who threw two innings earlier Sunday in an 11-2 win against the last place Senators.  “Why do you keep avoiding me?,” he asked Corny.

Burnsy and his well-rested arm were there to save the day, but the Lakers quickly mounted a threat in the eighth inning by putting runners on first and second with none out.  The batter failed to bunt, however, and whiffed.  The next hitter lined a base hit to right and Schmidt’s toss to home went past Abercrombie and toward the backstop.  The runner, luckily, held at third.  Burnsy then retired the next hitter on a pop fly.

The reprieve gave the Saints another shot.  Schmidt and Pack both reached in the ninth and Tim Hadler’s sacrifice bunt moved them up.  Radam was then Barry Bonded to first and it was up to Abercrombie, who’d been frustrated so far by Wheeler.

“I wasn’t going to get jammed again,” Abercrombie said.  “I was looking for his slider, but when he threw a fastball I was able to punch it to right.”

It was more like a haymaker.  Abercrombie’s drive easily few past the Lakers right fielder and skidded to the fence.  Schmitty and Pack scored easily, and Smith, running for Radam, got his long stride going to score all the way from first.  It was 5-2.  Corny told Burnsy to hold the lead or he’d choke him.

Burnsy's burger and beer went down easy at the Lone Spur.

 

Can O' Corn

7/27/2003

Joe Perzel felt he hadn’t pitched enough lately so he decided to take the mound Friday night against the Cavaliers. Perzel usually doesn’t care about this wood bat league and he encourages and allows players to play out of position.  This time, though, Shithead Joe wanted to beat the Cavaliers.  He doesn’t like them.

“They’ve been screwing with us in this league the past two years,” Shithead said. “I want to beat them and beat them badly.  Their coach is a moron and their uniforms are hideous.”

Shithead was satisfied enough with a 5-0 lead and surrendered the mound to Larry Gessler—who itched to pitch because he hadn’t pitched one inning for the Saints this year—in the fourth inning.  Earlier, during batting practice, Kiddo beaned John Noonan twice.  Noonan immediately pulled Larry from BP and inserted himself as the practice pitcher.  Once in the game, however, Kiddo was able to mix in some strikes.  In his first inning, Kiddo walked two, threw three balls behind hitters, threw four dirtballs and struck out three. He beaned none.  It was vintage Kiddo.

Larry hadn’t pitched since he lived in Florida earlier this spring because of an injury he suffered while playing first base.

“I still can’t throw a curve so I went with my fastball, slider and change,”  said Kiddo, who allowed one run in the two innings he pitched.  “It was fun to get out and pitch for this group again.”

Noonan again replaced Kiddo, this time in the sixth inning of a real game.  Kiddo’s itch had been sufficiently scratched.  Noonan, who last pitched against a Saints split squad when Chaska showed up with just seven men, held the lead and the Saints won 7-3.

“I would’ve pitched better but I forgot to drink that second Red Bull,”  said Noonan, who found the Red Bull in the water cooler after the game. “I wish that Larry could have batted just once against me.  I would have opened up a can of Whoopass on him.”

The Saints offense was anything but Whoopass.  They managed to score five second inning runs when the Cavalier pitcher walked everybody and everybody’s cousin.  Dave Packard, whose cousin, Cuz, caught the game for the Saints, started the inning with a double to left field.  Later, with bases loaded, Jeff Cookie singled to right field, and while the Cavaliers right fielder held the ball as if it were a winning lottery ticket, three runs scored. Another run scored later when Bob Gatzke drove in a run with a hard roller up the middle.

Notes:

Noonan invited umpire and Todd Cornelius look-a-like Steve Ashwood to his shindig Friday night.  He also invited Todd, the grounds crew guy, and two women that he was waiting next to at a stop light.  John said everybody except Jay’s gay friend can come…Ashwood, who’d umped the American Legion playoff game that preceded the Saints game, sat in the dugout for most of the game. He said he might want to play next year…Right fielder Scott Lawrence got to play third base Friday and made some real nice plays there. Too bad you play so well in right, Lucky…

 

Can O' Corn (Cliff Notes version)

7/22/2003

Todd Radam, Kevin Burns and Dan Smith combined to shut out Apple Valley 8-0 Sunday.  Radam pitched four innings against his old teammates and said he knew all was right when catcher Jeff Schmidt caught a pop up.  Smith was so confident that he had his top stuff that day that he told third baseman Mike Eicher to play way off the line.  Long Dan was right as he overmatched the three batters he faced…Jokester Andy Stavast recently gave me some advice about being with and impressing women.  He told me never to order a turkey drumstick while dining with a date.  We were at the Lone Spur and Andy was attacking his spare ribs when he advised me...Burnsie took John Abercrombie fishing recently and said he helped Abercrombie catch some nice walleye.  Abercrombie was impressed with Burnsie’s fishing expertise but later had an upset stomach because of all the rough waves they plowed through…Jay Wright and family sent a postcard from Wally World and the Donkey said they were having such a good time that they might just stay for the summer…John Noonan defeated Joe Perzel two games to one in a cribbage contest the other day.  Perzel said that Noonan didn’t cheat…While Noonan has said that he hates to sleep and that it’s a waste of time, David Sodergren disagrees, saying that sleeping is one his favorite things to do.  We all like you better when you’re sleeping, Dave…Scott Gatzke has assembled a Saints website and wants all players to give him a baby picture of themselves to post on the site…

 

Can O' Corn

7/16/2003

The totals, not on the board, are correct:  five errors, three hits, one run.  Delete this from your computer right now.  Toss it out in your garbage with that smelly old bag of trash, or cat litter, or dirty diapers.  Erase it from your memory.

Those numbers told the story of a disappointing 5-1 loss to Loretto Tuesday night, and the sooner the Saints forget about it…

The night began with Tim Hadler showing up in Loretto for a Federal League wood bat game.  He was promptly given the ball and was shown where the pitchers mound was.  Hadler found his way to the big clay hill fine.  The problem for Tim was that he had trouble finding home plate with his pitches.  For Hadler, the strike zone seemed as elusive as trying to find the light switch in someone else’s bathroom. When he was able to steer one in there and the Loretto batters hit it, Hadler’s defense often had trouble catching it.

“We gave them five outs in two innings in a row,”  said Saints ace and umpire baiter Kevin Burns, who pestered the ump several times and then giggled when the ump kept responding loudly to him.  Burnsy, resting from a recent heavy pitching load, was otherwise helpless on the bench.

Helpless was the Saints offense, also.  Darcy Ruff did manage a long double to right, and later scored on Scott Gatzke’s dribbler to first for the lone run.  The only other hits were Jeff Cook’s lazy fly that dropped in short right centerfield and Jay “Schlonkey” Wright’s last inning single.  Otherwise, the Saints were very successful at keeping the Loretto defense off the field.

There were some hard hit balls--John Noonan’s fly to left center and Jeff Schmidt’s two hard grounders--but the Loretto defense made all the plays.

“It was hard to see the ball because of the sun,”  said Mike Staller, who saw one pitch well enough to hit it foul into the parking lot, just over Noonan’s Hummer and off Hadler’s Beamer.  “I told Hadler I was sorry but said it was his fault for parking there.  He called me an asshole.”

Hadler retreated to right field in the fifth inning and kept quiet.  Todd Radam mopped up, pitching the last two innings for the Saints, without incident.

Notes:

Keith Jacobson’s 14 game hitting game was snapped as he was 0 for 3…Larry Gessler bought a new wood bat on Friday and shattered it on Tuesday.  I don’t believe he got a single hit out of the bat…

 

Can O' Corn

7/14/2003

When the first two Edina players got to their home-away-from-home field Sunday afternoon, the Saints were already in the middle of taking batting practice.  The problem, the Edinians said, was that we had taken their side of the field, and they wanted us to move immediately.

“It’s our field and we paid for it, so we get to be where we want,”  the Edinian complained.  “We need you guys to move so we can warm up.”

He WAS really rattled about this.  Or was something else bothering him?  Maybe his mom had taken away all his toys, or made him eat all his spinach before he got to go out and play baseball.  Did someone take his lunch money away from him again?

“I couldn’t believe what a prick he was,”  said Mike Eicher, normally a gentle giant whose demeanor usually resembles Sgt. Schultz.  “He’s an idiot.”

After an attempt at some lighthearted humor, the Saints realized their crime and obliged, moving their equipment and BP session to the third base side.  The Edinians appeared grumpy.  They would get grumpier as the day wore on, even though they got their way and got be on the side they wanted to.  I remember the look on my nephew’s face when I took his nook away from him when he was a baby.  Some Edinians had that same look.

Maybe it was because the Saints followed their pre-game batting practice with game-time batting practice.  Joe Perzel opened the game with a double and later scored.  There was a small one inning lull for the Saints, before they combined for a bunch of hits to score six third-inning runs.  Jay Wright keyed the rally with a long, wind-bucking double to dead centerfield.  Also, utility man  Jeff Cork continued his season-long offensive surge with a polite single, driving in two runs.

After getting a big lead, the Saints replaced Cork, who took advantage of his bench time to line up a few dates using his cell phone.  Cork’s success has not only been on the field this year.

The Edinians tried a few more times to get their way.  They tried screaming at the umpire.  They kicked dirt.  They made faces.  They tried to say they had more runs and that the Saints had less. Nothing really worked, though, as Saints rubber-armed pitcher Jerry Burns snuffed out a couple of Edina threats.  Burnsie left the mound after four innings with a 9-2 Saints lead.

The hot, humid sunny day was getting long for the Edinians. The season was getting long.  Their faces were long.  Dan Smith was long.

They did muster a couple runs in the fifth off Saints spare pitcher Poison Ivy.  But after Perzel gave Ivy a bit of a pep talk, Ivy regrouped and made the Edinians sadder.  The Saints added a couple of single runs to make the final 11-5, which made the post game parking lot beer taste better.

And all the grumpy Edinians had gone home.

Notes

Dan Smith collected his first ever hit and RBI for the Saints when he hit a hard ground ball single to right…Scott Lawrence’s friend Benny made his first Classic League appearance, catching the entire game.  Lawrence, whose been sidelined with an unexplained wounded knee, loaned his #13 jersey to Benny…Larry Gessler, who is still rehabbing his sore shoulder, continued his impressive patience at the plate, coaxing three walks in three at bats...Todd Radam, who can’t seem to shake his hamstring injury, hung up his #18 and took the day off…Jay Wright says he sore, too…Tim Hadler, when given directions to the Edina field, wondered if the field was any good, “if it’s shitty, I’m driving right by and going home.”  We’re all glad you decided to stop and play, Tim.

 

Can O' Corn

7/9/2003

We couldn’t have had a better start Monday at the Dome when Schmitty lined a triple to right center.  I had so much fun watching him run that I didn’t wave him to third until he was half way there.  I’m not convinced that Christian Guzman would’ve made it to third faster than Schmitty, who at least looks like he’s trying and that he gives a rip about the game.

It was fun to watch Burnsy mow down the Lakers Monday.  I think he allowed just a Wheeler single in his five innings of pitching.  Lakers ace Randy Moselle commented after the game that he couldn’t believe how sharp Burnsy's breaking balls were and wondered how long Burnsy's arm would hold out.  Burnsy, who whiffed Moselle on a nasty slider, later cornered Moselle at Hubert’s to convince him to play with on his Roy Hobbs team in Florida this November.  Those two would make a pretty fair pair, wouldn’t they?

Late in the game a Moselle fastball knocked Dave Packard on his rear end.  “I’ve never been decleated like that before,”  Pack said.  Moselle said he had a blister on his finger and that he was trying to throw that pitch inside, but not that far inside.

Someone told me that we had 22 players at the Dome.  Wow!  It was exciting to see but difficult for me to deal with.  I know that everyone wanted to play and contribute and I apologize that I didn’t get more people in.  Please be patient, I’m doing the best I can.  I appreciate that I didn’t get any pressure from anyone for playing time.  Guess what, I really wanted to play, too.

A special thanks to our bat girl Jamie Wright, Donkey’s daughter, and to bench coach Derrick Ruff, Darcy’s son.  I think I had as much fun watching them as they had helping out.

One last thing:  we beat the Lakers.  I’m not at all surprised.  I’m convinced that we will beat them again and that they have nothing on us.  Hell, we made four errors and still beat them.  If we stay focused and don’t get uptight, we’re going to be the champs this year.  I called Joe Namath and guaranteed it. 

 

Can O' Corn

6/30/2003

I was extremely impressed by the efforts of Joe and Burnsy this weekend.  They both pitched seven innings Saturday at Litchfield and then combined for seven more Sunday in the 6-2 win over Gopher Bar.  Shithead seemed cooked after recording the last out Sunday and seemed real grumpy after giving up a two-run homer in the seventh.  Way to go Shithead and Burnsy!

Following Saturday’s first game 6-0 loss to Winsted, two of the opposing players sought out Burnsy for a quick lesson on how he throws his curve.  That was cool.  Burnsy kept us in the game and we did out hit Winsted.  Younger legs and younger arms were the difference.  But ol’ man Burnsy did impress the young bucks.

My ex-Druk teammate Bill Bragg pitched for Litchfield in the second game Saturday.  Bragg, who turns 35 this year, would have shut us out but for Todd Radam’s solo home run.  Two years ago for Druks Bragg pitched nine innings one night at Maple Lake and then nine more the next night at Cold Spring. We led a strong Cold Spring team in the ninth before they tied it up.  I took Bragg out in the tenth and their first hitter blasted a walk off homer off my relief pitcher.  Bragg told me Saturday that he had a good opportunity to secure a new job in St. Paul soon and that he and his wife would be moving back to the Twin Cities and he’d be very interested in playing in the 35 and over league.  Wouldn’t he look good in a Saints uni?

Keith Jacobson and Larry Gessler are two Saints players that really weren’t expected to play this year.  I’m very happy they’re on the team.  I love the team first, play me where you need me unselfish attitude both players have had this season.  Not that others don’t have this attitude, but it’s very obvious to me in these two.  I hope we can all take their lead—the more we do the more success we’ll have as a team.  Not everyone can, or will have the opportunity, get the big hit in any given game.  But if we all try to contribute something positive in each game, however small, good results will come.

I think a few players, me being the biggest culprit, are pressing at the plate.  Larry told me to relax Sunday and I really did realize that I was trying too hard and to hit the ball 400 feet.  I’ve never hit one out when I tried to or was thinking about it.  Let’s try and help each other relax.  Remind me.  Please.

Let’s try and get as many practice grounders and fly balls as we can Monday at the Dome.  Ground balls will come much faster than we’re used to and it will be difficult to locate fly balls coming from the roof.  I don’t think we can wear metal spikes so bring alternate shoes if you have them.

I encourage any comments and will not be mad if you are critical, unless your last name is Gatzke.

Your anger management counselor,

TC 

 

Can O' Corn

6/9/2003

Here’s a few thoughts on Sunday’s Lakeville game and other things to think about:

-Joe Perzel did a nice job pitching without his best stuff.  One thing that stood out to me was Shitheads’ “quick pitch” with a runner on first.  The runner had a short lead and spare catcher Scott Gatzke threw him out at second.  The Lakeville batter should have stepped out of the box to give his runner a chance to lead off again after Shithead stepped off the rubber.  Remember, if you’re batting with runners on and the pitcher steps off, step out of the box—to prevent a quick pitch.  The runner, who had a poor lead and jump, should not have gone.  Remember, if you don’t get a good jump on a steal sign, you don’t have to go—unless we have the hit and run on.

-Larry Gessler had a big run-scoring hit in his season debut.  I thought Kiddo had some good at bats, working deep into the count, being patient and getting good pitches to hit.  I’ll keep saying it and saying it:  get a good pitch to hit, work the pitcher and be patient—avoid being overanxious and trying too hard.  Now I have to take my own advice and hope my teammates will remind me to settle down and be patient.  Another important thing is to forget about those bad at-bats, like when John Noonan got rung up on a high outside curve in his first time up.  Brutus fumed for a short while, then settled down with a single in his next at bat and later hitting a frozen rope double to score two runs.  I try to think that every time you step to the plate, you’re 0 for 0.

-Every little thing counts—doing the little things right during a game will produce big results.  We did a good job Sunday at helping each other adjust in the outfield.  A few other little things to keep in mind:  talking to teammates that bat right in front of you and right behind you in the order about steal and hit and run possibilities; watching the other team during infield/outfield to check out their arm strength/weakness so you know who you can take an extra base on; studying the opposing pitcher to find out what his tendencies are; getting a good secondary lead on the bases, especially with two outs.  I’m sure I’m forgetting some other little things, so feel free to bring up some more.

I gotta go.  I have to poop.

 

Can O’Corn

 5/27/2003

Cook and Big Donkey Star in Ugly win

In spite of five errors (not including numerous mental errors) and being outhit by its opponent, the Saints managed to defeat Loretto 9-7 Monday night.  Jeff Cook, who enjoys being called Crash, collected two hits while Jay Wright knocked in three runs with his pair of hits.

“The karma was positive for Crash tonight,”  Cook said of himself.  “But I did manage one blunder in the field when I became a statue instead of being the cutoff man for the throw home.  I was also encouraged that I didn’t fall down rounding first on either of my two hits.”

Wright, the Big Donkey, had a bases loaded single to tie the score at 5-5 and later added a booming run scoring double.

“I still need some new pants,”  Wright said.  “Until I get all the stuff everyone else has I won’t feel like I’m part of the team.”

Burnsy Runs Wild

Kevin Burns, lifted after four innings of pitching, reentered the game as a pinch runner.  He promptly stole second on his own and then had a great jump when Joe Perzel bunted back to the pitcher.  The problem was that Todd Radam was already on third base, so Burnsy got in a pickle and was tagged out.

“I got a great jump off second and would’ve scored if Radam wasn’t in my way,”  Burnsy said.  “I stole second, could’ve stole third and would’ve stole home until Radam broke my rhythm.”

If we were cartoon characters

Saints players if they were cartoon characters:  Joe Perzel:  Shaggy from Scooby Doo; Mike Eicher:  Bobby Hill of King of the Hill (he could also fill in as Yogi Bear); Scott Gatzke:  Yogi’s little friend Boo Boo;  Jay “Big Donkey” Wright:  Winnie the Pooh’s pal Eeyore; Scott Lawrence:  Homer Simpson’s drinking buddy Barney; Jeff Cook:  the intelligent Mr. Peabody; Keith Jacobson:  Dennis the Menace; Dave Packard:  Underdog; Jeff Schmidt:  the Road Runner; John Noonan:  Brutus or Mr. Burns; Mike Staller:  Thomas the Train; Kevin Burns:  the Tasmanian Devil; Todd Cornelius:  Charlie Brown or Ziggy; Andy Stavast:  Barney Rubble; Todd Radam:  Dagwood; Tim Hadler:  Snow White’s Grumpy; Tim Kreig:  Ned Flanders.

Corny/Gatzke Go Golfing

Even though he beat Saints lineup maker Todd Cornelius by about 20 strokes, Scott Gatzke was disappointed with his 103 score Saturday at Columbia Golf Course.

“I stunk,”  Gatzke said.  “I think I was just playing down to Corny’s level.”

A couple of young bucks filled out Corny and Gatzke’s foursome.  When told that Corny and Gatzke played amateur baseball, they thought they were kidding.

In a way they were.

For the Cook archives

Quick, name a major league baseball player who was born in San Reno, Italy, lived in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, and couldn’t hit.

His name was Reno Bertoia.  In 1958, Bertoia batted .162.  On the back of his baseball card it said that, although he did not get to play in too many ball games, he gained valuable information about American League hurlers that would help him in the future.  I suspect that the information he gathered was that every pitcher in the American League could get him out, and that perhaps he should try a different line of work.

Trivia Question of the Day

Who was the only player to pinch hit for Ted Williams?

Carroll Hardy holds the singular distinction of being the only man ever to pinch hit for Ted Williams, which on the face of it might seem ridiculous unless you stop to consider that Williams was injured at the time and that the Red Sox didn’t have anybody better they could put up to bat.  No, on second thought I take it all back.  It is ridiculous.

 

Can O' Corn

5/24/2003

New Turkey Award

The Non-Player of the Game, or goat, will be awarded with a free turkey leg at the Lone Spur following games played at Big Willow.  Scott Gatzke will decide who the first turkey is, and thereafter the incumbent turkey with pick his successor.  Turkey winners include the following actions/traits:  missing signs, missing the cutoff man, showing up late to the game, not showing up at all, swearing at the coach, making fun of the coach, sulking on the bench, farting on the bench and any other behavior detrimental to the team.

No Nude Noonan

John Noonan said he’d sit in the dugout nude at the Lakers game if Jerome Ivy got the field by 6:30.  Ivy, a habitually late arriver who has used frozen pipes, dead car batteries, faulty alarms and bad directions to the field, was to be the starting pitcher before the game was rained out.  A disappointed Noonan instead took a couple of rounds nude in his batting cage while Jay Wright watched.

Tatley Confident

Lakers catcher John Tatley, who has assumed his teams leadership role this season, guaranteed a victory over the Saints.

 “We know how to get Darcy (Ruff) out and Jay will be drunk,” commented a tipsy Tatley on his ex-teammates.  “The Saints will have 25 guys there, get uptight and start booting the ball all over.  We’ll win, I guarantee it.”

C’mon Minnesota

Stick the pig and pop the corks, kiddo’s coming back.  Larry Gessler, who recently moved to Florida, is moving back to Minnesota in early June.  Kiddo may not be able to step right in for the Saints, though, because he hurt his shoulder playing in Florida.  We may have a Welcome Back Kiddo party at Noonan's, but probably won’t do another T-shirt.

Ex-Saint Orlando Ricardo, who has relocated to his roots in Chicago, is also injured.  O pulled a groin digging around second in his first game.  “it was a bitch, bitch,” O said, “you think it ain’t.”  O, if you move back to Minnesota we’ll definitely have a party WITH T-shirts.

Burnsy Wants Coverage

Saints ace Kevin Burns was wondering why Gatzke and Jeff Cook haven’t given him any coverage in their pieces.

“He’s kind of boring,” Gatzke said, “but don’t tell Burnsy that I said that.”

Cook agreed:  “He’s married with two children and lives in Suburbia.  Burnsy’s just your ordinary blue jeans and flannel shirt blue collar guy who’s satisfied with catching his limit at Mille Lacs and then pounding some Bud at the lodge.”

Satisfied now, Burnsy?  Or do you want more?

Stolen From the Cook/Gatzke Files

John Abercrombie said he wouldn’t use aluminum bats because he didn’t want to kill anybody, but then changed his mind and went 0 for 3 with metal…spare outfielder and pregame infield-outfield practice hitter Andy Stavast will make an appearance at the Dudley Riggs Comedy Club next weekend…Dave Packard said he has three more buddies that he wants to have try out for the Saints…Scott Lawrence, who is still in search of his first career dinger, is thinking about starting a weight lifting program…Jeff Schmidt ate a hot dog for the first time in 20 years.  He didn’t like it.